I was recently speaking with a client I have known for many years and whom I’ve seen grow tremendously in their awareness and understanding of social relationships. They had gone through a very rough time during their high school years as their friends and peers seemed to change how they related to each other and it left the client feeling alone and isolated. Naturally, their brain tried to make sense of this and concluded that they “didn’t matter” to other people, which is a painful feeling and perspective.

Social Rules are.... Rules!

Many of us with Autism try to figure out the world (because we're human and all humans do this) but we typically have incomplete information. We can be rather good at figuring things out, filling in the gaps, and building rules though! Sometimes we figure out enough to get by for a long time (which can sometimes lead to later-life diagnoses instead of early-life diagnoses), but these rules and systems often end up running into situations that they cannot account for. When that happens, it can be very stressful and confusing - and can leave us feeling a bit lost or like we don't quite fit in.

Isolation is unfortunately a common experience in neurodiversity. To be fair: It isn't always the case, but it happens often enough that there is a large body of research on it. It is especially common during adolescence - when social development becomes a big part of one's life. This is one of the times we are likely to find the rules and systems we had built when younger are no longer enough. People change a lot during high school - even more, relationships change a lot during high school. People we have been friends with for a long time, may develop new/different interests, try new relationships, or just want to explore more things now that they can. That might mean they suddenly aren't available to hang out with, aren't responding to us, seem disinterested, or seem to act differently.

We Change but We Still Matter

Sometimes, as we get nearer to finishing high school and moving on to the next phase of life, we reconnect with people we haven't spoken with in several years. We might just happen to see them in public or at an event. We might get stuck together in a class or some other group. Or they might suddenly contact us again - seemingly out of the blue. That can be confusing and uncomfortable - it can also be kind of exciting.

Exciting - Maybe we can be friends again... We had a lot of fun before.

Hurtful - Why did they stop talking to me in the first place? That was mean.

Confusing - Why did they stop talking to me before? Why are they suddenly talking to me now?!

Uncomfortable - How am I supposed to react to them? Should I say hi? Do they even want me to and then what do I say after that?

The uncertainty about it is often one of the most difficult parts. Typically we've not had experience with that kind of reunion before, which means we've had no practice and don't really know what to expect. We may feel inclined to just try to avoid the other person and our brains may come up with reasons to avoid them; stuff like, "I don't matter to them" or "They don't care about me." The reality, though, is that in the same way we feel something when we see that old friend, they most likely feel something similar. And you have a history together - that old friend is not the same as a stranger. All of those feelings are proof of that!

So I drew a picture to capture all of this. Lovely, isn't it? Two people are friends maybe back in middle school or 6th grade... they grow apart over time and see each other again 5 years later (that's a lot of time in the lifespan of an adolescent). They see each other again and feel all of that stuff above. But they have a history together - they were friends, they had all of that experience from before together. They're not strangers and never can be.

When you're friends with someone, you have a history together. You still matter in a way strangers never will.